nov 21

Congratulations, they say in a shower of glitter and sparks. Metallic flakes that shine as they spin to the earth like comets. Although I know this comparison to be much more poetic than real, because comets don't necessarily ever reach the surface of earth, especially in such a slow, floundering way. You made it. Congrats. Here's your trophy wife. Just as you ordered. Dark hair, piercing eyes, a depth to those eyes, a knowledge and understanding beyond surface temperature and sensation. Not too short. But not taller than me. Is okay with going out into public with my flannel and some sweats on. But I digress. Frantically packing up school supplies, attempting to recreate a normal social conversation but in my recreation I find fault throughout. How much of that tan is from melanin and how much from whatever happens in a tanning booth? If I ever want to be a writer I must freewrite with concept or theme. Although in retrospect one appears often enough to ME. I am not my only audience. You prove this. If you read along these lines and find any sense of me. If you can cut yourself open and let the light in. through the back window of my disorganized room. the inconsistency of all good things that should propel me. I must go again. It is all so god damn distracting. All of it. All of this life.

nov 8th

a future riding on this decision this research. of course i feel unprepared, need a miracle, need people to miss their window so i can reach mine, need people to drop like flies so i can brush past and into my own personal future, how is it possible that i am left without any pleasant sounding options among the ruins of a major, the ruins of a future, hey, some point kid, you will have to figure this shit out, study abroad, fuck. study two broads, fuck if i care what you do to a t, you have to do it, you have to go for it, their fucking art classes require you to be an art major, what would that look like, repeating a credit that i aced, god damnit god damnit, where are all of the dream classes i imagined i would find here, drop the whole thing for a semester, huh, would you like that motherfucker, that new loneliness minus homesickness, so much more familiar, i spiral towards another restless night, tuesday night beer and time zone pushes back all tv shows forever, arizona does not operate on a time zone, what is that bullshit? an hour ahead, i lived an hour more than you right just now my old friends, fire away bitches, pull apart at seams, well what am i interested in? what won't make me want to strangle any stranger, choke something, put my fist through a wall, mangle a bike rack, fucking fuck fuck fuck. pull it together.

I HAVE NO ONE TO ASK FOR GUIDANCE

NO ONE

I am alone is this desert. This cold desert. A sad irony. I finally wore my orange hoodie. Alone of course. Should be used to that. Shooting self in knee caps until I can never walk again. Jesus fucking christ. What compels me to do such things fiasodfiushjn ;k;