a future riding on this decision this research. of course i feel unprepared, need a miracle, need people to miss their window so i can reach mine, need people to drop like flies so i can brush past and into my own personal future, how is it possible that i am left without any pleasant sounding options among the ruins of a major, the ruins of a future, hey, some point kid, you will have to figure this shit out, study abroad, fuck. study two broads, fuck if i care what you do to a t, you have to do it, you have to go for it, their fucking art classes require you to be an art major, what would that look like, repeating a credit that i aced, god damnit god damnit, where are all of the dream classes i imagined i would find here, drop the whole thing for a semester, huh, would you like that motherfucker, that new loneliness minus homesickness, so much more familiar, i spiral towards another restless night, tuesday night beer and time zone pushes back all tv shows forever, arizona does not operate on a time zone, what is that bullshit? an hour ahead, i lived an hour more than you right just now my old friends, fire away bitches, pull apart at seams, well what am i interested in? what won't make me want to strangle any stranger, choke something, put my fist through a wall, mangle a bike rack, fucking fuck fuck fuck. pull it together.
I HAVE NO ONE TO ASK FOR GUIDANCE
NO ONE
I am alone is this desert. This cold desert. A sad irony. I finally wore my orange hoodie. Alone of course. Should be used to that. Shooting self in knee caps until I can never walk again. Jesus fucking christ. What compels me to do such things fiasodfiushjn ;k;
