Punched out the advent calendar out of order. Only I will know that I did this when looking back at the empty shell. The hollow carcass of the month of build up. That sleepless night jolly old saint nick rappels down chimneys of 3.7 billion houses. Everyone gives everyone deserves. It's living here in this house among evergreens. Watching white, unique snow flakes fall into oblivion once they reach concrete with brethren. Fallen soldiers. Mostly clouds of condensed moisture releasing a more solid form of water than rain in certain temperatures. The majesty and glamor. I remember the year that a box appeared on the front doorstep. It had air holes and was making noise. A cat. A kitten. Made me curious how my parents were able to hide a little kitten. Especially one my dad picked out because it was the only one that attacked his face out of the litter. Dirty Harry. Toy train tracks delivering presents of ghosts. The presence of presents in the right pretense. The preposterous. Always a huge distinction between those who received christmas bonus and those who get laid-off. Hunting reindeer. Burning poison in the chimney. The cookies are laced with pcp. A tab of acid in the milk. Santa will be a drunk driver this year. Spend the holiday in a dirty cell. The most deprived and sad and desperate can be found in jailcells this christmas eve. These are the fresh criminals at the end of the rope. The lights, the atmosphere, the joyous nature, at least facade, the implemented smiles, is too much. The people smiling and drinking peppermint mocha in warm fireplace corners of coffee shops. They know little of disparity. (this city, man, it's really got a hold on you). I drink cold coffee out of a yellow mug and sit on the ground. listen to seattle downer hip hop.
i have some sense of loyalty to the northwest and although i can live anywhere in the world happily, part of me already decided to move back up to the trees and the beauty, the interesting people and the cold rainclouds. the depressed people, wandering streets looking for shade. looking for sun spots. burning up. phoenix is currently getting more rain than seattle and something seems wrong. i threw a couple snowballs. sat down on a snowbank. counted the tops of trees i could see through the fog. sky highlights blue. blue blue blue blue christmas. a small scale guitar. a book never returned. a girl never spoken to. only looked at but never confronted. hot girls are not scary if you know they. for me it would be to approach an absolute stranger. for you, you are familiar. friend zone man. take her out. through some wild display of spirit. hold her hand and walk her through a christmas lit downtown plaza. feel some warmth. the power of sincerity in the spirit of the holidaze. dazed and confused you smoke your way out of close contact with a beautiful confused young girl. she would be nice to kiss. nice to watch sunsets with from riverbeds. nice to relapse with. subsequently... too intimidating to date to date. she is still too confused to date to date. to this date. hard to wine and dine someone who does not enjoy eating or drinking. wed and bed. the tying of the knot. the rocket to the moon. the nice, small town girl whose eyes grow giant in the city, the depths of an american western city, this is the time of life for casual sex and for intermittent meaningful relationships, the time to change the color and style of hair and personality. the time to lose your shoes and parties and walked fifteen blocks home barefoot, to be the one to keep her safe but thought of as someone who is trying to take advantage of her. but people don't like me that much anyway, although she was a drunk hot mess and danced with me, i went along only for awhile, thinking about how to deal with this. how to get her home safe without looking like a daterape in progress, eventually her roommate came out and took her away, i was an absolute stranger amidst those broadshouldered giants. i recognized her and two others. one who did not recognize me. but anyway, despite that trashy drunk evening, she is a good girl to meet and greet. take her home and show her off to your family. your friends. your ex girlfriends. you can't let that drunk mess of a girl, with only shreds of sobriety left in her head, with all of the worst intentions for self-destruction and slutty self-satisfaction, and instant gratification. everyone has been there at this point. making a mockery of standard morals. some dark and cold shade of a decent human being. it's there. underneath. the. surface.
