I barely trust the motions of my body today. I am enveloping space with out matter like dust or the edge of a black hole. Vaguely sick delirious mind disease when the coughing and sneezing stop but my mind is caught in a fog like a house fire sleeping family or now I realize the day is lost from me and I panic and I fear consequence because my studying for French is god awful, I had to call off work with a weird little text message to my boss earlier than he was awake probably and I haven't napped all day yet it feels like it is so. "I've been up all day."
coffee means nothing. laundry is trash. recycling is worthless and I don't want the outside air to invade my body and shake my bones out of order like a puzzle in a wind storm. I desire a snow day. This is kind of like that. An internal snow day. Some vague uneasiness that prevents clarity from forming. I am a muddled cocktail. I have a collage to make about bipolar disorder and maybe this sickness, this mental anguish, this lazy scratching at some white blood cell itch, a miracle to wake out of it tomorrow and yet I'm fucking trying, water, orange juice, smoothie machine, I barely remember the contents of my day, the civil war documentary, the guitar playing, the mindless droning on and on, the french assignments, the dumbness of general disaffection with the self, I hate when I'm sick because it is impossible to function at the level I most desire to function at.
I want to.
