I have a heightened sensitivity to sounds and the petty whispers of hushed tone humans. It is not comforting to lose an identity within crowds. The painted smiling masks and exaggerating giggling of these little girls who never fully mentally mature and let the camera roll on a lazy projection scene. Bickering endlessly beer taps and a harsh inability to grasp with the material from this class or that, the sunlight too bright, the classroom too stuffy and crowded, shoulder blades all exposed in this heat wave and the complaints or the hermits destroyed in their own filthy self absorption. Blah blah blah. I can recount the observations of my lonely day. All the heat and noises that become abrasive no matter where in the world I've been. Just so damn tired. Cheers to a commitment without beer for a month and the tactics to find a healthy medium between work and waste, education and haste, slow down and soak up the sounds of life and let them glide past you without tightening up. Those exposed tan shoulder blades should not be so offensive. You are not disgruntled parents trying to ban books from fucking public school. You are not the old dead era of closed off pipelines, of fenced off houses and blinds raised so high and no vulnerability ever accepted as an opportunity for growth.
I had an image. Sitting here in Cafe on the Ave, but it doesn't necessarily have to be here. The long windows and hanging glass art lights and paintings and everything would be hazards. It is 77 degrees in here and I wish it was winter. I wish it was winter and people still treated the world as they do now. Maybe not. I can have winter fields to myself. Spring is over crowded. So much more free time to be outside for these preeminent summer dress dolls with make up smears on the backs of boyfriend's hands and the broken off eye contact before any voiceless communication could take serious place, before both us could be suspended in a realm of blissful coexistence, like in old cartoons when the pretty animal character kisses our silly protagonist, dumb yet harmless, on the cheek and he floats, floats, floats up and horizontal like a light as a feather stiff as a board scenario witchcraft in the dark forest where trolls can be imagined under bridges or in the trees cheetahs and tangled up around telephone wires are poisonous hungry snakes waiting to be brave and slither off.
The image is one of an earthquake suddenly shaking everything and being confused. In a bar or restaurant with liquor or kegs. In the confusion, stealing away from mighty gulps from the top shelf bottles that miraculously survived their suicide leaps.
Otherwise. It is time for me to use my faculties wisely. There must be a hydration of thought and mind when once was starched out of color or parched out of common sense. Time for the body to feel great. The intelligence and the recording software and the incomplete ideas worked out and noted for their individual worth. One at a time perhaps. Long term goals, putting pennies in a jar. A large jar. Over time there is hope for self improvement. One can start immediately but the teeth don't whiten over night. The hydroxy cut doesn't shave off pounds in a sitting. You wheel chair couch potato. Everything takes an immense effort and you are ready to jump in. No more folding into yourself. This is a glorious life and you must be opportunistic and willing to wake up to yourself without forcing it against its will. Your saddle of personality is waiting. Who cares where it ends up. No need to think about that. Only a little. Remark on the little things required to get closer to the ideal. The ideal is elusive of course. Don't fret if it becomes impossible the deeper you climb. Your best self is like all fields of strife and learning. The more you know, or the closer you get to a more complete knowledge, you realize how far the potential knowledge extends in all directions. This should spark your curiosity rather than make you feel inadequate, small, and unworthy. You are powerful and infinitely capable. What natural talents you have are not enough to sustain the bigger dreams. The dreams that develop over time and forever remain a constant morphing entity.
