Given rise to the occasion. A desert(ed) mindset. These sun streaked folks and their waking concussions. Eyes upwards or sideways neither here nor there. Forward backward. Meeting people who don't understand pop punk, like me a few years ago. 'whiney bitches' considering the voice I picture a viaduct crowd of 20 max, banging their shaved or tattooed heads against one another in a ritual death struggle of some kind. some fashion. limber up champ this fight is yours. prepare to take a math test in a tie dye shirt. depart from conventions and make some real friends. skipping along in isolation, I am imagine the mistakes and drama from the far north. weird how people never leave high school. one foot in the grave one foot in the sky. intellectually spayed. palm trees blonde fake tits, daddy's little girls, big sister little sister, addiction to adderal, sad to hear such a narrative, the only reason this girl is succeeding in college is because of the amount of speed she has been taking. I remind her to eat. She assures me she knows what she is doing. I assure her I know what I am talking about. And she shuns me because I know nothing of sororities and she is two and a half weeks older than me.
The big move. The change. The fear and consequence. Tan bodybuilder, wifebeaters, drunken abuse, semi-sobriety. (it's a long way down before you reach the ground.... it's not all so orchestrated)
in the heat of a heartless disorder, i peek over the edge of a hole in the ground, a smile infiltrates rough exterior, influence me to buy custom license plates for a car I will never see again. sun devil huh? also known as a dust devil without the dust. simply a devil. character analysis reveals that a minion of walt disney created the beloved sparky. probably in some mushroom trip delirium watching lights flicker from the outside of an office building, flicking a zippo on and off, watching the hottest blue flame appear to go invisible in front of his eyes, sunburnt eyes, without polarization those light blues will get burned and hell turn dark blue? that's even cooler. and something I have never seen
(I'll keep my friends)
The appeal of iced coffee in the morning. A cold shower. In the midst of these cold personalities. I might start enjoying myself. I like to be busy. That anxiety swells up when I am docile dormant useless a characature of who I want to be... car salesman from dallas. count up the things I love and continue adding to that list as apparent as we can tolerate. no meaning. garbage writing. i am typing without thinking mostly. such huge thoughts in my head I can't even scratch the surface at the moment. such monumental repercussions for delay. caffeine or god help me
read about the book of the dead. james bond struggling with the death of the love of his life and alcoholism. reviewing all the parts of a cool inner chamber of scribe's tomb. with wealth I will build pyramids. i wore the tie dye and nearly cried on my walk home. livid with computer complications. at that point my brain mostly shut off and I've been drifting along in my section of my apartment listening to the diamondbacks lose and the thumping bass of some asshole listening to his music louder than necessary. a college full of attention whores. tools with tribal tattoos all around me. i meet people who show glimpses of potential. a flash here or there. but I hesitate. I compare too often this environment to my past environment and my brain is dead. I will sleep early and well tonight and I will write continually. dead brain skin cell tumor. scrape that bitch off and move on with yourself. well in all the story i want to tell is that of confusion. I've met people sure. but what am I doing wrong that makes everything turn away from me? listen to the helio sequence and plan a long day for thursday. feeling like i have accomplished very little on this lonely wednesday. i retire to my studies early where all of my anguish grows like a fungus. certain light gets rid of it. an extermination. a melatonin, xanax, caffeine pill delirium. with three tests, i am hardly nervous. i will find the hayden building before enter the music therapy classroom to plan a route for my math test. my inner monologue repeating terrifying sentences. not worth repeating. worthless worthless. kill. but hey im semi-happy now.
