lump in my throat that sinks to stomach
and devours inside out
my breath is stomach acid
whatever lie I swallowed is working its way up
out through my face
I listen to cute little songs
about love and sleeping and dreaming
and take notes about delusions of romance
one love replaced another
mistake not to be believe both love
to throw up now would keep me awake
the sleeping pills would not digest
and I would lay cradling the toilet
with a look of disgust
a venomous feeling of unhealth
fuck. what did i eat
sending nice gestures in boxes from mail trucks
more mail delivered to the misplaced pile
it's illegal to open someone's mail
but i can't resist a birthday card
from grandma
from grandpa
from the both of us
treatments that focus on cognition
length of fingernails, prominence of callouses represents character
weak soft hands...
the double sided axe that represents a double beheading
and I pause here to vomit
oops, false alarm
just dry heave and spit a few times
examine the cleanliness of porcelain
leave the sink running to mask sound
but nothing comes out
disinterest in humanity
not all of the time
you remind me of a friend in high school
who hated everyone
yeah and what happened to him
you don't want to know
the acid is thick in my throat
i feel it burning like i swallowed a match
that ignited something in my stomach
it's happening
im salivating and my head spins
help me jen wood
this awful disease
this food poisoning
this mistake
!!
will my body reject or accept whatever i do to it
will your body reject or accept whatever i do to it
will your mind, the serotonin, the feel good happy neurotransmitter, feel any moral dilemma
will the cigarette afterwards be regretted
will you compliment and kiss
or shudder and distance yourself
the money on the table
the knife cut pills in halves, in quarters, in eighths, in sixteenths, into tinier particles that can be inhaled, with effort, through a straw cut in half, or a ten dollar bill, or a fifty if you wish to do it right, will the lights fade and the black light switched on, will you walk or float into his arms, will you accept or reject the awful consequences of your actions.
will they feel like consequences at all
