july 20

nearly tears in the back room of the obligatory burger joint, everyone speaking of milkshakes prior to show as motivation for playing a good one. I don't know why I'm stricken with such awful, everywhere, sadness, lethargy. a person falling off of the stage and into a pit of depression. something terrible about the ignored audience and the screams sustained but never kept apart. add those throaty yells into the teeth of the microphone, the world will pull apart and open its ears, let yourself be heard and scream until blood comes out, the drums incredible loud, ear plugs on stage impossible all of the sound screwed up, bass is too loud through the mixer, turn a few knobs down so it doesn't peak, we drank orange rinds and dreamed about swimming pools but no one was down, an addiction and a fear of lethargy due to sun stroke and the dry skin of water, all of this nuances and the girlfriends waiting at home. 'you denied' screaming bloody murder at the expense of bus-ways and stabbings in the streets when drunks fight and kill. 'we are sound cannon. for all of you listening, either passively or aggressively.' but mostly playing pool and kicking out the young kid. the ridiculous nature of such events in a sketchy area. we are so so sorry. we lied about staying and about mingling. I am a damaged creature after that. after sweating and running around. what's wrong? I am high on stage. Aware and alert. shifting scenes quickly in instants. try things. go for it. do it all. feel it all. scream. stage dive. yell. fucking hurt everything. let it bleed until it dies. maybe, draining, you will feel better. more at peace. no longer worried about it. that cosmic sadness for no reason at all. crushing my back. so fucking quiet and horrible. the repetition. the sadness. was it at all worth it. do i feel out of place?