Recall unnecessarily negative comments and hide face in shame. Why do these things happen? Why do I still go for it? I don't know. Jealousy maybe. The fact that I know what a person looks like when they've reached a plateau. No more progress possible. (Go to the moon on a one way kamikazee flight) I just want progress, body and mind. Spiritual progress aside. That can come later. First must become smart and active. Present, aware, incredible. Everything perfect and the ridiculous outfit with leather jackets and scarves come back to haunt. Hold head low to hide shame once more. Find aesthetic grace period. We share a stage. We don't need to look like each other. Hide away those nostalgic angry thoughts. "If you can't think like this, let somebody else think for you." It is criminal to the self to ever let someone else think for you, decide for you. Unless you are truly indifferent. Speaking up only if necessary. This word, necessary. Negative attitude to bring all the rest down into that same water grave. Everything will be better than alright. No reason to have any concern.
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Just include your most desired position on that little star map. All will end up okay.
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negative attitude feeling worthless like the world is draining knowledge from me and I am letting this happen. I do not wish to sit back and watch everything fade off into oblivion. I drove off in a haze to write about the loss of innocence and the irrevocable truths of that lost, scattered youth. I was going to write about past pets, my treatment of them, accidental neglect but they had other masters. I was faulty from the beginning. What kind of child was I? I loved the color green. Trains. I try to enter the mindset but mostly these are memories of watching baby tapes or hearing those holiday stories at the dinner table when I clanked around the new hardwood floor with a full bright green cast on. That was a smaller version of this body. Every day a bigger body. Always changing and I am in complete control of all of those slight variations in structure. Worried about acne but it only ever came when I had my longest greasiest hair. Tie dye shirts. Fuck the system attitude without any theory to back it. Some semblance of rebellion when I might have been happier to involved myself with as much as possible rather than trying to sort activities into a hierarchy of truths. I tried to understand a world through music and words in writings and easy persuaded myself what was right and wrong without room for error. Serious. Moody. Sometimes very funny sometimes very inappropriate. Rarely got in trouble aside from calling a friend stupid in class once. 4th grade probably. For some reason I might have believed it was going to be funny. He labeled something wrong on a map or something trivial like that. I remember a classmate brought in a huge golden paper-mache sarcophagus to class for a project relating to the Egyptian unit. Something academic. I ended up being a 'cool kid' in self denial because I still turned in all of my work with decent preparation and never had bad grades. I was easily shaped as a child now that I think of it. Mild embarrassment now but why? I wish I had the courage to do some of those ridiculous things we once would do. Bike jumps in the woods. Trampoline with water. Snowangels and hot tub time machines. Slingshots straight up in the air. Row boats and canoes. Intertubes and battle tubing. Try to shove one another off at high speed. Someone responsible for the orange flag to allow other boaters and sharks not to run you down. I never fell off.
What kind of child were you?
Do you remember any specific arguments you were involved in?
Ever been in a fight at school?
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The night prior to a race we would be taught to visualize. To take it seriously rather than share no commitment. I did not understand how to be grateful. Kind. I grew into it hopefully. Similarly visions of the show tomorrow night dance in my head. It will be great no matter who shows up. In ear monitors and never make a mistake again.
