Lighting a meditative candle with a spark and some butane. Watch it melt and describe what happens. Burning wic, flickering light illuminating my room and myself. The negativity is a darkness on the outskirts. Cannot visualize the walls on the other side of the room. They may as well be invisible and the murkiness I see may as well be infinity. The candle is green and due to age without strong scent anymore. Old gift from old love. Burning that past connection of hearts to analyze current. To meditate calmly and breathing with a rhythm that creates dancing resonance with the flame at the end. The light flickers and I stare into it with a moment of empty space. There is not much sound and all is quietly... (interrupted by slamming doors and barking dogs).
give my pupils a break and filter the lens through shattered glass and reflections. empty the mind best as possible. with all thoughts compounding. to exit the world of electronics is the best route. find a focal point and erase all stress into it like a holy mandala, a geometric circle of life as we know it best and all of the eastern philosophies to epitomize a more peaceful mind in the face of horrible atrocity. the devil and god raging inside of me for attention. a peaceful sleep is required for better clarity of words. this is the transition into a semi consciousness prior to sleep and the candle will put me into a daze until I can't remember my name.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Jan 29
I wake up and it is cold. Getting out of a warm bed is difficult. There is a bad flavor in my mouth. I dreamed of ruining family portraits and then of driving full speed down an endless feeling highway with gorgeous expansive mountains on either side without reception and then suddenly the road disappears and we plunge headfirst into a body of water caused by glacial melt, the runoff from huge chunks of ice that move sluggishly through valleys in order to form them. Now they all melt. All valleys are formed.
I'm trapped in my dreams. I'm shivering although my legs are too hot. Space heater heats a limited space. Listen to Bob. Clean my fingernails. Feel shitty. I cannot rouse myself to get a solid exercise in before heading to the social security office and showing my paperwork in order to work a temp job for the week. I received the pity of two separate bartenders yesterday. One I already knew. The alcohol jokes only go so far and then are demolished by truth and addiction. Logic breaks addiction. Addiction breaks logic. It is a cyclical process and we sit there stewing in it and waiting helplessly by the phone for a call that won't come. Your phone is dead. You may as well be too.
There are model citizens. There are supermodels too. They are not the same though I wish to become closer to an ideal physique than I currently am. I want to run with lions and keep up with the most active and happy people in the world. "Ah boo hoo." Making admittances and getting shut off from the world instantly. Talk of writing. Talk of love and education. We are all in this together. I love my mind and I wish to cultivate forever. Always learn and always allow the award to be self evident. It's not about the information. It's about the way it sets up your brain for the real world and real reasoning and more. I do not remember any calculus equations at all but unless I was a math professor or an astronomer or a mathematician, I do not need the actual information. It is a mirror to reveal our true nature and our true potential to ourselves.
I sometimes can't find something to do with my hands. Someone pointed out that I pop my knuckles when I'm nervous. Today my knuckles hurt. Last night was a real killer. Drove past the Getty Center and imagine the beautiful view from up there. The landscape and the ocean. The city lights like constellations on the ground shining up. Driving down that over populated, polluted, stinking highway....I would have never thought such philosophical beauty was over the other side of the fence.
Talk of how we wish to summit mountains. One day, all of them at once. Explore the mind and the world simultaneously.
How can I pull myself together? After noon today I will be busy working or sleeping, burning hours like dying light, until tomorrow evening. How horrifying? I will not have exercised in a weight room setting for two weeks. I would not have ran. I would not be sedate either. Walking around with a vigor. Exhaustion unjustified. Where is the heart I seek? Is it beating? Just born? Alive for thousands of years?
Seek that V and lose all interest in sweets and sugar. No soda. Kill the thought. Work out constantly and make the lungs happy and preserve the body. You cannot prevent everything though. There is a disease or an ailment growing inside of you at this very moment that you never expected until symptoms show. Then it is too late. Your preventive measures failed and you will regret your lack of action.
Did you know the things you never do can stay with you forever?
I'm trapped in my dreams. I'm shivering although my legs are too hot. Space heater heats a limited space. Listen to Bob. Clean my fingernails. Feel shitty. I cannot rouse myself to get a solid exercise in before heading to the social security office and showing my paperwork in order to work a temp job for the week. I received the pity of two separate bartenders yesterday. One I already knew. The alcohol jokes only go so far and then are demolished by truth and addiction. Logic breaks addiction. Addiction breaks logic. It is a cyclical process and we sit there stewing in it and waiting helplessly by the phone for a call that won't come. Your phone is dead. You may as well be too.
There are model citizens. There are supermodels too. They are not the same though I wish to become closer to an ideal physique than I currently am. I want to run with lions and keep up with the most active and happy people in the world. "Ah boo hoo." Making admittances and getting shut off from the world instantly. Talk of writing. Talk of love and education. We are all in this together. I love my mind and I wish to cultivate forever. Always learn and always allow the award to be self evident. It's not about the information. It's about the way it sets up your brain for the real world and real reasoning and more. I do not remember any calculus equations at all but unless I was a math professor or an astronomer or a mathematician, I do not need the actual information. It is a mirror to reveal our true nature and our true potential to ourselves.
I sometimes can't find something to do with my hands. Someone pointed out that I pop my knuckles when I'm nervous. Today my knuckles hurt. Last night was a real killer. Drove past the Getty Center and imagine the beautiful view from up there. The landscape and the ocean. The city lights like constellations on the ground shining up. Driving down that over populated, polluted, stinking highway....I would have never thought such philosophical beauty was over the other side of the fence.
Talk of how we wish to summit mountains. One day, all of them at once. Explore the mind and the world simultaneously.
How can I pull myself together? After noon today I will be busy working or sleeping, burning hours like dying light, until tomorrow evening. How horrifying? I will not have exercised in a weight room setting for two weeks. I would not have ran. I would not be sedate either. Walking around with a vigor. Exhaustion unjustified. Where is the heart I seek? Is it beating? Just born? Alive for thousands of years?
Seek that V and lose all interest in sweets and sugar. No soda. Kill the thought. Work out constantly and make the lungs happy and preserve the body. You cannot prevent everything though. There is a disease or an ailment growing inside of you at this very moment that you never expected until symptoms show. Then it is too late. Your preventive measures failed and you will regret your lack of action.
Did you know the things you never do can stay with you forever?
Monday, January 28, 2013
The Symbolism of a Possum
Colloquially we call it a possum and drop the phonetic 'o' for some cultural reason. They are western hemisphere marsupials like koala bears. Late one night I nearly killed one with my vehicle while staring at a waning full moon. It was full earlier in the dark, now just partial. I had a lot to think that night; a long day of paralyzed movement in the crowds of rushing faces. They come and go to and from dark places. This wish for longevity and hate themselves for their security and shitty workplace attitude. They print off receipts with heartless desire for something beyond.
"What makes his heart beat?"
I saw into the soul of this creature. My headlights glinted off his eyes like a common mirror. This possum, however filthy and riddled with neglect and rabies, is a part of this earth as much as I. The possum lived with a more distinct purpose than I. Without obvious intellectual capabilities, this creatures lives simply to survive and in a nowhere near natural situation must do horrible things in order to accomplish this survival. The longevity this creature wishes to have is based on a pulsing of blood through it's tiny corrugated veins.
Dream dictionaries describe an opossum as a symbol to use appearances to our advantages and to become strengthened by a masterful working knowledge of this. We front and succeed. If we front, we can also easily spot the ones who are fronting, who are lying through their teeth for personal gain and it becomes more obvious than ever with years of garbage-eating and willful experience of incredible tragedy. The possum represents how we can use deception to our advantage or conversely how we can spot those using deception to their advantage. (though if spotted, to their detriment.)
Then there are sources that align the movement of a possum with the moon. This is a spiritual belief due to Native American animal totems. These are virtues that the natives believed animals held in their very beings and thus can be transcribed into our lives for a deeper understanding of ourselves and our places in the world. Use these symbols to enrich your own life, even if not every possum you meet is a deceptive creature. They are metaphors and without metaphor we'd have to take everything at face value, which would destroy all of the creative people in the world without recognition that they were ever creative. We must believe in the abstract in order to survive the real.
Opossums have prominent sagittal crests, much like earlier hominoids prior to the break of in the lineage to form the musculature of modern humans. It took a few years to diverge but we both were better off. Evolutionarily fit to survive in diverse situations without the assistance of one and other. There is no communication between possums and humans. Neither understand the role of the other. They must be terrified of flashing lights and cars because these are not inventions of millenia and the forest growth. They are our technological advancements that diminish the mothering role of mother nature in our age. She was a god damn helicopter parent anyway, constantly hovering.
They can survive the bites of rattlesnakes and cottonmouths. Their immune systems are ones we study for anti snake bite vaccinations and remedies. Many possums are killed on highways while scavenging for roadkill.
Do you see the similarities?
What do we symbolize for them?
"What makes his heart beat?"
I saw into the soul of this creature. My headlights glinted off his eyes like a common mirror. This possum, however filthy and riddled with neglect and rabies, is a part of this earth as much as I. The possum lived with a more distinct purpose than I. Without obvious intellectual capabilities, this creatures lives simply to survive and in a nowhere near natural situation must do horrible things in order to accomplish this survival. The longevity this creature wishes to have is based on a pulsing of blood through it's tiny corrugated veins.
Dream dictionaries describe an opossum as a symbol to use appearances to our advantages and to become strengthened by a masterful working knowledge of this. We front and succeed. If we front, we can also easily spot the ones who are fronting, who are lying through their teeth for personal gain and it becomes more obvious than ever with years of garbage-eating and willful experience of incredible tragedy. The possum represents how we can use deception to our advantage or conversely how we can spot those using deception to their advantage. (though if spotted, to their detriment.)
Then there are sources that align the movement of a possum with the moon. This is a spiritual belief due to Native American animal totems. These are virtues that the natives believed animals held in their very beings and thus can be transcribed into our lives for a deeper understanding of ourselves and our places in the world. Use these symbols to enrich your own life, even if not every possum you meet is a deceptive creature. They are metaphors and without metaphor we'd have to take everything at face value, which would destroy all of the creative people in the world without recognition that they were ever creative. We must believe in the abstract in order to survive the real.
Opossums have prominent sagittal crests, much like earlier hominoids prior to the break of in the lineage to form the musculature of modern humans. It took a few years to diverge but we both were better off. Evolutionarily fit to survive in diverse situations without the assistance of one and other. There is no communication between possums and humans. Neither understand the role of the other. They must be terrified of flashing lights and cars because these are not inventions of millenia and the forest growth. They are our technological advancements that diminish the mothering role of mother nature in our age. She was a god damn helicopter parent anyway, constantly hovering.
They can survive the bites of rattlesnakes and cottonmouths. Their immune systems are ones we study for anti snake bite vaccinations and remedies. Many possums are killed on highways while scavenging for roadkill.
Do you see the similarities?
What do we symbolize for them?
Sunday, January 27, 2013
January 27
Have you ever had an obsession? The tunnel vision fixation of your evasive muse. Fogged up windows of cars and bathrooms, throw away the sheets or burn the smell of sexual aggression off of them. Wear strangers clothes. never met the designer. the prototype or the overseas work for cheap, cut up hands on sewing needles and historical accuracy. melting wax and emotional departure from routine, spray paint cans and ID badges required to provide access...
It's easier to leave what you love behind than to be left behind by it. The body recoils and shudders with shivering weakness. Unfortunate for us to have spun this intoxicating web like the silly and strident spiders we are. something to intimidate the others as we invade their dream world of bubble baths and champagne, star gazing on cloudy nights, and only letting go of each others hands when there is only enough room for us to walk single file, so many other intrinsic couples milling about without apparent purpose and it may never become apparent, walk along the edge of this destruction, die in each others arms and find a buzz never before accomplished.
It's easier to leave what you love behind than to be left behind by it. The body recoils and shudders with shivering weakness. Unfortunate for us to have spun this intoxicating web like the silly and strident spiders we are. something to intimidate the others as we invade their dream world of bubble baths and champagne, star gazing on cloudy nights, and only letting go of each others hands when there is only enough room for us to walk single file, so many other intrinsic couples milling about without apparent purpose and it may never become apparent, walk along the edge of this destruction, die in each others arms and find a buzz never before accomplished.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
jan 26
Take a cold shower to revisit all of the sense that become dormant in a safe and comfortable life. Naked bodies are not used to the cold and icicles form on our dendrites, we take precaution but are never used to the kind of vulnerability unconventional love causes in us. Nobody ever knows how to react to love sent, the heart becomes convoluted and full of body-shaken remorse. You, my audience, you caused ulcerous sores in my mouth, something that could lead to cancer or worse. Finding the elements incongruous. I stripped myself of my dignity in the face of yours. there were words like lightning at our fingertips and we shocked each other until our hair stood up straight. delirious thoughts about alcohol and suddenly we hear all of the sounds we wish to all at once. let the mind wander and capture every manic verb, frolic stupid through dead flowers, we are yuppies at heart, something that will die without much intention, though it's simple, I know you can't die without a more diverse life of sexuality, it would extremely difficult to be chaste to marriage then to retain purity throughout adolescence and to remain until the honeymoon suite in some foerign view that we both enjoy immensely. "I enjoy you," you'll say... "...and I enjoy you," I'll say. that will continue for a while until we can no longer tolerate our virtue. we will be closed off from the simultaneous feelings. I know the childhood friends now married and having flown out to some ridiculous expanse of incredible love. that is a dream to hold on to. golf course and chariots.
---
speak of lovesickness and how dumb you have to be to fall in love so young, and eat your fucking heart out, how you do not trust education or history how everything media says these days dictates and how close it all becomes to something close to Orwell or Huxley. it is fucked up and I bit my tongue to avoid being singled out in any sense. education is beautiful. how could you proclaim yourself happy to avoid being booksmart. that word is one used of ignorant and incredibly dull individuals. but then I'll drink and write with a ferocity they never understand. not a god damn sad empathic bone on his body. I hate them some days. and I sleep or numb myself to avoid conversation. do not fucking question me. let me alone. sometimes I need to be apart from you. it is not what you assume because you are worlds apart from me and you will never be right if you guess anything about me. unless you got to know me but I doubt you will. it is something superficial and light. something hopeful and enlightened. I will ruin opportunities by letting this love shit hand over my head. this in the back of my head. the difference between genders and the general sexism kills me forever. high school sweet heart my god. there is nothing longer than two years' time. we are something outside of what you've ever experienced therefore your advice I will avoid.
---
1:15
deprived of sleep like those involved involved in tantric sex deprived of orgasm. we are at the mercy of each others lingering scents and this is nonsense. hearing constantly through the walls other sounds and I pay you a good god damn amount of money so fuck you if I am loud. I wish to be just what I god dman am. I wish to swear less but live harder and louder. so help me god. asipdnfas;iob ,
there was a bandaid on my steel reserve and everyone is destroyed because of it
---
speak of lovesickness and how dumb you have to be to fall in love so young, and eat your fucking heart out, how you do not trust education or history how everything media says these days dictates and how close it all becomes to something close to Orwell or Huxley. it is fucked up and I bit my tongue to avoid being singled out in any sense. education is beautiful. how could you proclaim yourself happy to avoid being booksmart. that word is one used of ignorant and incredibly dull individuals. but then I'll drink and write with a ferocity they never understand. not a god damn sad empathic bone on his body. I hate them some days. and I sleep or numb myself to avoid conversation. do not fucking question me. let me alone. sometimes I need to be apart from you. it is not what you assume because you are worlds apart from me and you will never be right if you guess anything about me. unless you got to know me but I doubt you will. it is something superficial and light. something hopeful and enlightened. I will ruin opportunities by letting this love shit hand over my head. this in the back of my head. the difference between genders and the general sexism kills me forever. high school sweet heart my god. there is nothing longer than two years' time. we are something outside of what you've ever experienced therefore your advice I will avoid.
---
1:15
deprived of sleep like those involved involved in tantric sex deprived of orgasm. we are at the mercy of each others lingering scents and this is nonsense. hearing constantly through the walls other sounds and I pay you a good god damn amount of money so fuck you if I am loud. I wish to be just what I god dman am. I wish to swear less but live harder and louder. so help me god. asipdnfas;iob ,
there was a bandaid on my steel reserve and everyone is destroyed because of it
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