I wake up and it is cold. Getting out of a warm bed is difficult. There is a bad flavor in my mouth. I dreamed of ruining family portraits and then of driving full speed down an endless feeling highway with gorgeous expansive mountains on either side without reception and then suddenly the road disappears and we plunge headfirst into a body of water caused by glacial melt, the runoff from huge chunks of ice that move sluggishly through valleys in order to form them. Now they all melt. All valleys are formed.
I'm trapped in my dreams. I'm shivering although my legs are too hot. Space heater heats a limited space. Listen to Bob. Clean my fingernails. Feel shitty. I cannot rouse myself to get a solid exercise in before heading to the social security office and showing my paperwork in order to work a temp job for the week. I received the pity of two separate bartenders yesterday. One I already knew. The alcohol jokes only go so far and then are demolished by truth and addiction. Logic breaks addiction. Addiction breaks logic. It is a cyclical process and we sit there stewing in it and waiting helplessly by the phone for a call that won't come. Your phone is dead. You may as well be too.
There are model citizens. There are supermodels too. They are not the same though I wish to become closer to an ideal physique than I currently am. I want to run with lions and keep up with the most active and happy people in the world. "Ah boo hoo." Making admittances and getting shut off from the world instantly. Talk of writing. Talk of love and education. We are all in this together. I love my mind and I wish to cultivate forever. Always learn and always allow the award to be self evident. It's not about the information. It's about the way it sets up your brain for the real world and real reasoning and more. I do not remember any calculus equations at all but unless I was a math professor or an astronomer or a mathematician, I do not need the actual information. It is a mirror to reveal our true nature and our true potential to ourselves.
I sometimes can't find something to do with my hands. Someone pointed out that I pop my knuckles when I'm nervous. Today my knuckles hurt. Last night was a real killer. Drove past the Getty Center and imagine the beautiful view from up there. The landscape and the ocean. The city lights like constellations on the ground shining up. Driving down that over populated, polluted, stinking highway....I would have never thought such philosophical beauty was over the other side of the fence.
Talk of how we wish to summit mountains. One day, all of them at once. Explore the mind and the world simultaneously.
How can I pull myself together? After noon today I will be busy working or sleeping, burning hours like dying light, until tomorrow evening. How horrifying? I will not have exercised in a weight room setting for two weeks. I would not have ran. I would not be sedate either. Walking around with a vigor. Exhaustion unjustified. Where is the heart I seek? Is it beating? Just born? Alive for thousands of years?
Seek that V and lose all interest in sweets and sugar. No soda. Kill the thought. Work out constantly and make the lungs happy and preserve the body. You cannot prevent everything though. There is a disease or an ailment growing inside of you at this very moment that you never expected until symptoms show. Then it is too late. Your preventive measures failed and you will regret your lack of action.
Did you know the things you never do can stay with you forever?
