First numerical day of a new calendar, we are hung up on mistakes to be corrected when the only possible motion is forward, tonight we make vows to better ourselves in some such cultural biased way, a motion of crowds as opposed to individuals, a lunatic started it then justified it then it caught on, that's all it takes for a phenomena. She had beautiful eyes. There were moments of excessive bar hopping and cordial invitation to empty seated caravans. The party should become off the hook though there was no hook. Bait and switch. Fishing techniques. Reel them in. Minnows and sharks. Lurking and hunting through the dark and dreary waters.
Break the trance and fall back into distracting reality. There is warmth here. Though in waves. Constantly changing and forming. A psychotic borderline personality disorder, something anti-crowd, or anti-mainstream conformity, and then again that mindset fits perfectly the one who places the diagnosis. Something antisocial and sitting on corners of boxes. Looking for excuses and random ideas to transcribe said opinions. I have been in here and cold. Silent brooding and losing consciousness. Called a nervous individual. Hearing fireworks through the wall. Remind me of home and an exploding space nettle. started off a new years countdown five minutes too early for shits. and ruined the legitimate countdown. which many of us missed out of confusion. however stupid and innocuous. I'm giving you hints. though my identity is extremely clear at this moment. a song about a girl. once loved now despised. forever feeling melancholy and colorful. this is the beginning of a new mindset. I've already told myself what needs to changes for me to survive in this world as a musician and artist. There are no excuses and I must not have inhibitions wherever possible. I must discuss scenarios with others and exit the box I've fallen into.
---
how to describe the feeling that all I love is elsewhere tonight and through random chance wound up in the same city simultaneous. somehow everyone met and kissed each other passionately. fake the silences because they are not enough and suddenly people are gone. anxious to think of all of the possibility. something recent and nothing embarrassing. is this faithful embarrassment? realize there will be haters based on job title alone. it doesn't matter. I could enter any shitty job and get great at it for the rest of my life. have a happy family and realize that to raise a family is to raise my own spirits simultaneous... I think about lost love and fireworks. I think about eye contact and the deadpan isolating humor. the challenging of ideas by everyone and over analyze the quirks of all of us individually. something confusing and rapidly changing. I fell in love. They are in the same place at the same time. I wish a bomb hit.
