there are simply no words to say. there was no logical motive in the act therefore we cannot surmise any artificial motive for the rest of it. it is nonsense and all that will follow are gun law arguments with two sides of surreptitious opinions because they are afraid of alienating themselves by putting their feet down and landing on a concrete belief. they would rather be wishy-washy and skirt around the truth they hold in their hearts to write about later. they would rather lie than expose themselves and such is the way of life. and this is probably why horrific bullshit like a school shooting happens in the first place...
----
morale low. sickness hits and headaches are pounding like the doors of opportunity slamming shut never to be opened again. millions of them. its true at this point I'll probably never be a famous astronaut. I'll probably never be a major league pitcher. sound engineering is closer to the truth though the language they speak exhausts me quickly. the technical terms for things and all I understand is that signal flow has something huge to do with it all. why the microphone works best for what. why music sounds like it does. beautiful moments capture in elegant precision. no one has ever felt any better about themselves.
dirty girl. in the bed frame of mind. the lack of social connections and the alcohol to kill creativity. the heat coming from the floor. the hardwood feeling something like ice beneath the feet. the ideas of transportation through space and time. the feeling of spreading seed across the country to see which climate life grows best. stay in the west and south west and fail to see the in between. I wish to spend a year in every single state in the next 50 years. if this is possible tell me where to start. if this is impossible, let me dream. god, let me dream you up. let me conjure you despite logical fallacies and all of the learning I've had. "I've got to drive to Pasadena to see ya" that wouldn't be horrible, let me meet up with you and we can exchange philosophies in person and personal. intertwined in sheets and feeling like forensic scientists for the minds of each other. great minds should always fuck each other. as I've said. and let us wrestle and grapple and feel the energy passing through our systems until guaranteed that nothing else but truth is left. there might be tears of joy or sadness but we are expressing ourselves until pitch blackness evolves and revolves around and around.
---
the words are garbage. I'm garbage. is this poetic? or is this shit. I've said out loud much better things today. but they are gone.
----
come home to find cockroach on its back
watch it struggle and feel cross breed empathy
before squashing it
how did you get on your back, little fellow?
when the bomb drops
I'll be gone
and my material possessions
will be yours to live inside
so don't worry
you will survive
always
in damp apartments
when the rain comes
here is shelter
though I do not wish
to find you
among my things
breeding in my shirts
or something worse
though I know we share this earth
I know also that you will outlive me
once we end in calamity
so forgive me
you can proliferate your species elsewhere
---
hey mister
do you drink all of that beer yourself?
hey mister
do you want some help?
me and my friend, I mean
we're underage and all
but I'm sure you started at our age
if not younger
help us out buddy
you don't even need all of that yourself
not possible
we can help you
if you only let us
give us a case
I'll give you 20 bucks
my friend will roll you a joint
just go back in
buy a blunt wrap
and a case of better tasting beer
for yourself
and he will oblige
take a few moments to roll
one rack will disappear into our backpacks
then so will we
we don't have our licenses
you don't have to worry about us driving
we're just trying to get some girls drunk
so we can get laid
again and again
take advantage of them
you know how it is
hey mister
let us haunt you for the rest of your life
let us ruin dreams
we'll be on the cover page
having killed our peers and each other
drunk and underage
in a drunken rampage
at this moment
reading the article
you will light the joint
and reminisce about your old times
joyfully
oh my, how the times have changed old man
you're mid twenties
old man
take a look at your life
we were just kids
but we still are!
just trapped
deep inside
mounting tragedy
of reality
don't wake us up!
