hear a jovial family through thin walls and freeze in place. given options and closing them off. perpetual feeling of forgetting, jesus tap-dancing christ and the words feel forced again. make up and drinks from the owner and we were glorified in the superficial glow of lights and pictures, the young and ambitious band of brothers crossing over thin red lines and gorgeous innocent, wondering the purpose of personalized weed collections, safeway sushi, bailey's and coffee, funyuns and lethargic body, missing opportunities left and right. handing over business cards and we recreate all highs and lows. only high in red-bull fueled frenzy, harmonies electric and vibrant, hearing the cheers from sensible upper tier citizens, something incorrect about all of that aside from the sheer volume of our performance... blonde women screaming in ecstasy. suits and ties, ladders up toward the clouds. nothing but thinner air. fair skinned and polka dotted. playing the music festivals that we could only dream of. the couple day wait before taking advantage of a given opportunity.
cut off at the knees. no more begging, please. indie orchestral folk and the myriad influences presented in affectionate technicolor. wash hands, all the shaken scum. all of the lonely dragging nights due to extremes reached in nights prior. i am a mess of a human being today. tired. hollow eyed and paralyzed. i can't ever be hard enough on myself. i could have been out at a show gathering more experience. writing about the award show in full detail. writing new melodies and lyrics.
but instead. killing time and weirdly in aware isolation. not even feeling inspired to write or do much of anything. can't read or draw or paint or play or practice or sing or run or learn. can sit and hurt inside. only. try not to get too far down into the deep insolence... hating the words... hating this dead motivation... hating myself in turn because of it... never watches news. never feels more than a moment at a time... missed chances. missing chances. missing life. missing lives. lethargic. apathetic. pathetic. can't even move. deep into a hateful chasm of knuckle tattoos and anti-gay campaigners. Justify nothing. drunk off of life. all the ideas but never executing. make me worry. make it count. make it stop and start and kill off momentum...
need to be the best. must start tomorrow.
