Words that could be shared but we already shared red plastic cups and metallic cans. They were shared on the melted chap stick pipe passing. They were invited to parties close to current situations and feeling the weird connection between disparate individuals through connected medium. They rudely compared themselves. They felt obligated to discover the ego beneath our feet and our disgraced opinion of the world. The idiotic feeling of fashion and 'this is how the world works and I'm experiencing it first hand' kind of feeling. There are miscommunications and regretful decisions made in the face of so much responsibility. Tonight is the night to die anyway. If we're going to, it may as well be now. But the risk was not great enough for this kind of reaction to feel warranted and then I realized myself as a dissenting opinion disgusted by the fake laughter and the meaningless music, but it is popular so everyone can connect with it, an opinion that elicits more fake laughter, the kind of ghosts from tv shows of the 90's and the kind that never will leave my head whenever I do something that contradicts myself. They always know the best derisive laugh. They always know when to exit the conditions properly. They always know when to decide between continue happiness and unknown sadness. They know what it is like to desire to be more than a laugh track from a dead generation. They know what this feels like and that is enough to exist on this world. They are alive enough to find the party scene as a total lie. They are available for incessant ridicule. Drums played and beer pong in a shining live room with instruments right there and a killer round of pong throughout the stupid journey out of sobriety and into the familiar grounds but we journeyed with unknown individuals and made friends with them all, constantly checking glances for immediate eye contact and feeling loved by the constant fact of musical understanding... they wanted to get something out of this and hopefully they did. there is something genuinely wrong with how we go about advertising ourselves and that has nothing to do with us personally, as long as the whole group experiences new territory and makes friends with fellow lives, young minds with open receptivity to curious new ideas, the kind that have nothing to do with social status or background, it's about age and situation in the world. it's about consuming alcohol at rapid rates like white water rapid rivers and confidence to succeed even though the liquid cure is much more of a liquid evaporating in hot air, and nothing is ever resumed. It is a dropped call from a payphone immediately before murder. It is a look of shame in the eyes after the last batch of conversation fermented. I apologize for my opinion and sadly regress. I cannot believe that I've allowed myself to feel guilt for who I am. It's all environmental and the attitude where it all stops in time is forgotten. We always discredit one and other. I can't understand such a blank mindset.
What I know is that life is once. You have once shot to learn as much as possible in order to become the best possible. The only chance for historical memory. But I hate repetition. I hate routine. It should never be so isolated away from the individual that none of us are allowed our personal freedom. Continue to party or gather around the television? the hatred for such mindless absence. self proclaimed 'random groupies' and the girls altogether bring knives to each others throats, none of them welcome or worthy more than a constant dry spell and a new realization that we should forget our reckless high school ways and begin to find new heart in the new minds of individual souls, legs spread on canvas but never in real life, the words don't translate and it is a voyeuristic onesided adventure through space and time, but not alone, never alone, rude comments comparing this kind of style of writing to masturbation in retarded accessory and drinking the poison with the self satisfaction of sleep. The unintended consequences. Never the satisfied night for me. They were there but I hate wasting a drunk. It is silly. Unhappy and unhealthy.
It nearly happened. It almost always nearly happened.
