May 24

Fear in my heart from the protective dog. Keeping savage watchman outside, in the motionless dark. Voices heard over the fence. Violent convulsions of the pulse and the heart rate monitors skip. No one. Just shadows and voices. No real humans at all. None left. Just creatures of shapeless malevolence approaching from unseen sides and opposite corners. Directed to the light switch because I don't want to have to feel along the walls to reach it. Can sense the light but cannot see anything in mirrors or pictures. It is all in description and for that. Any question I can answer and visually describe in decent detail. About life general secrets and observations lost on the unfortunate. Nice and loving family. Do I sense slight tension? Maybe. Maybe not. The water drain off. Flies or mosquitoes buzzing inside ears. Sister sensed all of us to have had too much wine by the time she came. I sang the Beatles softly at the outside table. Half on the grass, talking of medical cases of the drug, poor joke placements, seemingly confused. I am curious. I wished in my heart to stay and to talk into late hours. Develop full and personal understanding. Meet co-workers of sister and talk and flirt with them although they probably are upper class in a sense that I can't afford the luxury of taking them out. Maybe my lower (than them) class charm could do them in. Turn them into coin counting vixens who love a rugged wild man. Am I that rugged wild man? Not as I'd so much like to be. I want to climb mountains and use my hands as resource providers. Crack open a few shells with rocks, dig out a quarry, climb inside. (the corridor of my mind.) Just when all seemed to fail we notice the details others left out. Their vague perfection is a sham and a veil... Oh how I miss the sound of a legitimate laugh from a woman of a similar age to my own. A legitimate indication for some found joy in her life. Nothing put-on or abstracted from the present through a million categories of past preparation. No try outs in mirrors to get the shy and crooked smile quite right. It is pure. It is beautiful. And it becomes impossible. (make a funny face and it will freeze that way). Can that same hold true in the opposite direction?