May 30

I fell apart in the shoe store because there was a lovely California girl.. nameless and pretty, lacing my shoes, among the tattered remains of ancient employment opportunities (once applied here years ago). Extreme confidence in that ability to ask and to react appropriately to the situation. Ask her where she is from, man. Do it. Shoe lacing talent. A similar pathological sense of humor. (incorrect word but it came to me that way.) Much like I fell in love with the twin sisters from a mountain lodge just before Mt. Rainier national park. Way out. Deep past the dam and the passes that get closed, snowing them in, through winters. They are bundled up by fires drinking champagne in the moonlit snowstorm. Body warmth in the arms of the furnace heat. Electricity cuts in and out. Teach old dog new tricks (practicing). Playing board games and having strange thoughts. Sipping red rum out of cheap plastic cups and contemplating the idea of final winters and hot tubs overflowing with shame and rage. There is no spa here and all backs stay crooked. The lunatics in the area prowl through the yards screaming in lustful drunken violence seeking. Needing a hero and falling for the dumb jokes and the questionable glances towards the front. Lovely chandolier in the middle, all of the paintings... my god.. you are beautiful like the figures in the paintings. The lake reflecting.. the mountain standing in awe of itself, all of the liquid reflections allowing self indulgence... they are natural and untanned. they will never hear of my band. My world is not the same as theirs. Somehow are fateful paths converged and neither of us knew how to react, understanding how transient the other dream-figure was. This happens constantly. Or maybe it is just me. I cross paths with an angel and wonder what forces of fate or crude chance compelled such interaction. I say all of the right things. She reacts openly and without an heir of arrogance. There is mutual interest. Or maybe that is also just my reading. Until I am told later that my gut feeling was correct. Wondering why I did not act further on this whim. Something urgent and incredibly timely. Now or never more than ever. These are transient angels and I have no room in their wide hearts to fit. They may think of me, an ardent wanderer, from time to time, in the dark, or in the recap of a long day of work.. always happens at work, for them... ridicule my tattered shoes... wonder why I bought two of the same pair... shoe shopping like a woman. trying on tight pants like a woman. and somehow everything will work out better than ever expected... I can't deny the access to income... the rent paid out in due from grandparents. I am forever indebted. But I must fully into such opportunities or else these monetary gifts have been wasted. ( Meet the girl. Rock her world.) The back drop of her store and the music... the helpfulness... I fell helpless... charming and attractive. definitely my type of lady.