Must perfect spacial awareness and ability to move about while playing riffs.
(put my foot down. I cannot be the reason you are sleepless)
Teach self how to dance and jump. Cure the dizziness.
When all else fails we will smoke up our money and make movies about it.
An invasive movie director. (probably not an uplifting message to wake up to. oops)
Probe you for flaws and faults to doll up for the silver screen.
Wearing make up and speaking more clearly, abstracting truth.
It is all hot tubs and jet planes.
RVs across the country with musicians, magicians, sound technicians.
(high school tour? college tour?)
Book shows design merch do the lighting.
A feud breaks in culmination of an internet date.
Oh so this is what is was all about this whole time.
Now the balance will shift. The power. All of the marbles will roll to one side and the other, who once had all, is now deprived, sleepless, brooding about an old macho fuck.
The dynamic shifts into to second gear. Forget me.
Love me. Write my name down then burn it.
I am not helping but I will begin to.
Erase this fixation. Breaking us down.
It is a denial of heart to choose either path.
Either waterslide denies the possibilities evident with the other one.
What if?
Greater water finish? Smoother track?
Will I feel like a better person by the end of it?
Paint me a picture and put us together in it.
IN the back of the van. Bring it all on.
Jade colored fingers. Yours truly.
Whore in sleep's clothing.
Dream about waking up somewhere I've never been.
The happy possibility of that. But it is only a lonely me in a dull lit room.
(I watched part of the sunrise this morning. awakened by bladder. saw the moon move across the sky. she is a clever devil, always watching and grimacing when these stupid humans commit their adulteries and she can't look away. The dark side only dreams about what is seen. )
"you are not to blame"
"you are absolutely to blame for this."
tone down your ego, asshole.
your drawing received the most attention.
you must be the best artist
(milk is best before today. a little bit of sour never hurt anyone)
something or other is always best before today
and we always, always, miss the deadline
I am inferior.
they are superior.
This is what it feels like though I know it not to be true.
Ego.
Out for your own.
Selfish. Self-interested.
Vain.
Match shoelaces with shirts.
Get the hair just right.
Spritz of cologne where foul smell.
I wake up every morning thinking 'what a waste!'
turn off the A/C burning up our shared bill.
(I'll do my best to bleed white)
Griping, groping. Drank up all the beer I did.
I needed the self medication to tolerate
the vanity.
Holding grudges.
Did I come here for nothing?
Appetite.
Not even one song. Disappointment.
Face flushed red. Fights. All your own stories are so much better.
Everyone here interrupts each other.
As if your story is more important!
Sports and video games. Drug free.
I'm the loser who smokes pot and goes to class.
Out of pot now.
Pounding energy drinks.
I guarantee I won't get sick.
I wake up every morning yawning 'what a fucking waste...'
and realize the repetition and clench my teeth for it.
****
"Reality itself, things as they are, is thus a kind of blank, needing to be signified before it becomes anything determinate; there is a 'nothing' at the very core of the world, a pervasive absence infiltrating the whole of experience, which can be abolished only by the supplementary benefit of language."
****
"The quintessential college experience."
"men derived status from securing sex (from high-status women) while women derived status from getting attention (from high-status men)."
"they either integrated themselves into partying or found themselves alone in their rooms, microwaving frozen dinners and watching television."
she never lets scabs heal
she drinks to forget what's real
not picky about my grammar
asking me, what's the matter?
I say, I don't know, something's different
she asks, what has changed?
this is all so different
and it will never be the same
at the end of a rope with a bottle
living this pipe dream full throttle
hair ties and dividing lines
divinities dying decline
push yourself back, into the covers
wait for a new, more handsome, lover
one that will hold you when you're cold
talk about living together, growing old
it is not in heart to tell you directly
that I can never be what you need
instead a poem, an epitaph
surprised? it ain't half bad
in the end you'll be glad
you knew me.
now get away from me.
***
My god. Oh my god. I never meant any harm. No dreams planted. Flowers that die while they are still seeds. Children who die before they even become an idea in their father's head. Sunflower, give me radiance that I can accept as my own. Rub off on me and mercilessly. (How could you leave this? They all ask.) There are more important things in the world than nice weather. Vitamin D and sunshine is supposed to make a person happier. Why doesn't it work on me? (There is THC resin on my grandfather's buck knife. One handed to me 10 years ago, wrapped in band-aids and with a wink when the other adults had their backs turned. Mother grabbed it from me. I wanted it back. My stupid sheltered childhood. Many beautiful moments of parental love but I was a weak child. I wish I knew then what I know now. But that is a refrain. A life refrain. Again and again.)
Drown out sorrows in alcohol and soy milk. Those things that keep you sane.
Blood down the drain. Shoving knives into power sockets. My friend told me there is a little demon in there that has been keeping him up at night and he must be stabbed. Ended.
A human can fly. Once. Rooftop.
Drunk and belligerent wailing in the bank of a screaming ambulance.
My god. Oh my god. She won't make it.
Make up runs down the face. The football house. Perfect scene for date rape.
No date. No money spent on anything but alcohol.
General trust of all partygoers.
Despite most fowl temptations and expectations.
Once a whore always a whore.
This sexual deviance and green jealousy swirling through me.
My god. Oh my god. Do not plant that seed.
A boy becomes a man in the next room.
Now he knows. Now he KNOWS.
(eye drops at the drive in)
Good lord. Red and blue eyes. No whites.
At a young age. Listening to fireworks over the bay.
Slipping into a strangers bed and out of consciousness.
Bought me flowers. Moved to florida to get married.
On a trampoline. A big one. In a backyard in the woods.
Some drive. Kids wreck cars in small towns everyone.
I became a statistic. But I wipe the slate clean in a few weeks.
Friday the 13th. There are dreams I have of tall trees.
Looking down on me. At me. In disgust. If they could spit they would.
What? Why me?
They think I am a lumberjack.
I love you. I say. I love you. I love you so much.
I miss you. I miss kissing you wherever there is dry skin.
Your roots are firm in the ground. I am but a tree with legs. And I'll never stop growing.
Clouds up there must be great! Will you become a translator for their secret tongues?
Sounding like a detuned piano (at least 7 years)
No reason to be paranoid my love. My life. You will one day be my bride.
Despite what happens now.
Sexual jealousy in Elizabethan England.
Sexual jealousy and assault on college campuses. At frats.
Sexual jealousy diminished in outlaw bike gangs.
Dehumanize the women but they are attracted to the freedom of the lifestyle.
My god. Oh my god.
What have I done? Now my darling, put your clothes back on.
Laugh because you let him take you. (took a shower. I'm clean.)
Darkness spreads from cuts from beneath your belly.
It is all over when legs are raised.
Sky high. You are so flexible and have so many suitors.
Silver streak. Do not allow yourself old habits.
I was stupid and had no fowl reasoning.
It was all a waste anyway. If somehow I get better by next time I see you...
No true explanation. Much built up aggression.
Read some books. Grown quite brave.
Just you. Just you. Just you.
Your hair! In my face in my mind.
I sleep choking the life out of inanimate objects.
(lighter heads for our heavy hearts)
It is hot and the pressure is high.
Your smile is all that I think about.
Never in my life. Fixation for this long.
Bordering on lunacy. So exacting.
(signed off on a one year lease. Har har!)
Exuent.
