Must acknowledge the fact that she is dead and that I have killed her.
Despite heart ache and chemicals inhaled whenever the A/C switches on.
Every night for weeks. Off on.
My stomach is bloated, my heart sank into it. Acids dissolve it. At least dissolving little holes
***
Have you ever heard of such wasteful, ungrateful humans? There is so much life all around. These giants stamp it out. (cutting worms in half with scissors.) Judge and jury, hateful speech. Leftovers in trash. A meal is a one time thing here. No one else allowed access. Fruit goes bad in an instant. Hot coffee sounds terrible in the hot sun but is life-affirming to wake up with a cup. Strange feelings for an ancient love. Something dormant, a volcano, producing magma, melting stones down. Bring on an ice age my dear. You will not destroy me. (I'm not joking woman, I've got to ramble). Glue stick and unfinished work of art. Climb mountain in a class. Rendezvous at the outdoor cathedral, but I was left alone. Somehow in the front seat. I don't feel so privileged. Why sacrifice yourself to make me feel and look like an ass? But self-sacrifice does not exist. There are mutants and inconsistent lovers. Sexually transmitted diseases in cereal boxes, leftovers from a violent, tumultuous relationship, one that itches still and makes you remember. How good the sex was. How easy it was. Quickly, through the embrace of night, we ride through to the end. For the longest time I was the only ghost. One foot in here. More weight shifted to the front foot forward. California. He too now. Nice house. Big dog. Lazy good for nothing. No talking. I'm falling off of the face of the earth. And there is no safety net.
Ankle pops like firecracker. Coffee fills up apartment with warmth. "Fucking tune lads!" Singing exposes accents and grafts. Skin graft machinery. Crush knuckles in a vice. Good riddance old habits. They die true and fast in the stroke of the sharpest blade. Great times in bad places. Very cautious now not to offend although the whims are ridiculous and angry. Hysterical and triumphant. Oh yeah? good for you huh. Wish you the very best but I expected more out of you. Jekyl and Hyde hit the bottle and see who remains in control.
Deliberate wrongdoings. Wipe away that smirk on your face. I'm losing. Games and my mind. Erase that sense of entitlement god damn it. The thing is. You always get it. You get what you want without trying. Good luck growing to become a good person.
Broke my sunglasses in my hands yesterday. So stressed. Overheard conversation. I did sound mad on the phone yesterday, yes. My hands were trembling with thoughts of inadequacy and the unknown. The anxieties that entrap me and close off options without just cause. I will take drugs to school with me today and tolerate the whole of it. (It's in the fridge. This is MY fridge. SO....) Rather than pay yourself back through torturing me. Tell me what I owe. It's nothing really. everything is nothing. Dead cats hanging from poles. Can jump a fence. Checked out from here mentally already. Wonder we'll ever move shit around like jackasses one day. Or is it all entirely senseless? Did I spend the thousands and thousands of dollars wisely? Perhaps not. But it was not a waste. It couldn't be. God damn it. No way on earth could this whole trip have been a waste. The road trip down was very memorable. How will I think back on this? (Probably like a mistake that I learned a lot from).
