And at this very moment I decided that the best course of action for me would be to get incredibly, directionlessly, beyond-the-point-of-no-return, lost. So lost, the sky and the earth fight for up and down. Compass spins. Everything looks suddenly different and amazing. There is no fear. No pain. Only new. New and shiny everything.
****
Feeling something dazed and confused. Nothing to do with the faux holiday that defines today for so many. Because I haven't associated myself with that. Rather I've read and sat and cooked and ate. Studied. Filled my cup and more.
***
4:06
Trash strewn about the hallway leading past the stained stairway. They expect a service to take it away for them. (And they will, reluctant, disrespected... question self-worth, and counting down the days until promotion or the day the breakthrough happens... Everyone important stands around the front room and awaits the inevitable, fate-deciding, letter... the contents, when they unwind, reveal important information, determinate of fulfillment and compensation for such treatment... but as before, 'there is no culture here')
Witness drunken bodies of buddies dragged up the street. They wear tie dye and everyone has a mutual understanding, a spiritual meaning, of the cosmos, I did not feel like going there, to the cosmos and the meaning behind the stars, the loner in our solar system, source of our melanin, determinant of the growth of flowers and wildlife... Connection, in the face of sheer annihilation, as we sink further from the solid ground of sanity, of real life talk, all of the separate, incorrect perspectives regarding the selective pressures of a roommate. He does not yet know. But when he does, there will certainly be a reaction worthy of graduate level psychoanalysis. The character of the color baby blue. (told a few jokes, goodnight gentlemen) No real relation to most of them, but the superficiality of it connects in a mutual fashion, as we both understand the thinness and the invisibility of the ropes, or strands, attaching us into recognition on this earth.
Colored lights. Talking of respect earned and forgotten. Talking endless in an alcoholic banter. Was it bragging? Was it me being an asshole? The fate would have been different with a group of reliable guy friends with interesting interwoven history. All of the unique correlation (so awkward. yeah I've heard of you. all of the interesting comments). Give me some of your fame. Everyone knows and loves you for some old reason. They all try to impress you, superstar. But here is the flesh of a future consistent musician. The cliche inhabited and lived within. Jealous of other public outrages. When the community provides collective insight on a particular matter. (When you signed you seemed fine... a stiff drink will change your mind). Many will sparking up soon. In a matter of moments really. The joints of the world trying to justify their bad habits for another unruly hour of night, screaming hallelujah that their medicine has been honored on this day. Their god be praised, it is approximately 4:19:58... and the lighters glare up like a classic rock concert. Imagine all of the lighters at a Led Zeppelin concert. The long and flammable hair.
I hope I was not rude. If I was it was unintentional. I shoved a guy off and risked my ass (potentially although ultimately unfounded) he was asking for leniency because of his culture but I believe in a different attitude towards it. (Kiss on the cheek, is that so strange? I guess not. Not as much as a hug from another stranger. Is this my own racism? My god. Did I interfere with a positive interaction? If so, god damn me. What hypocrisy. "Practice what you preach" they scream from the rafters. From the back and upper balconey. The deck out back.
Sink into the ceiling. As if they lowered the shutter speed for a few moments and it takes a few tries before the present reality bites. You wake up and shake your head to awake your most important senses and blow your nose to unclog your ears, some strange ailment (lighthouse, lighthouse, lighthouse)... some strange pathology to the physical construct of the adjacent species. (a girlfriend, a movie, a slow dance..... some candlelight false sentiment... your smile has lost its charm). But then there is the idea of tainted meat as there is the idea of tainted love. A similar morphology in the abstract. But the blueprints form different creatures to begin with.
A freedom here, naturally, and very obviously. I am playing and hording thoughts. To be purged onto similar texts. The scripts someone burns through another day in the future. But don't get your hopes up up up. You're still talking (there is no meaning.... nooooooo) so help me appear interested in what whims you may have. what tickles your fancy. but it is not love. love is long absent. died in a bath tub with a broken sink parallel, when coffee brews, began but unseen hands. We don't think or question. That all happens later when have one too many hits and shots and the culture shock electrocutes all ties, causing hair to stand up straight (I'm sorry I don't agree with what you may construe as customary)... illegitimate. you acted out just fine. (I've slept in worse places. he says. I doubt I'll see him tomorrrw. Don't jinx it)
Openness and exhaustion. We fall into a trance with the environment when we remember vividly, first or second encounters. Wow she remembers. I think. She is a cute girl. I think. I first thought different relations with the current inhabitants of the block. I could care less if she was the go to for a while. The reliable and physically important friend that appears brighter when summoned. But these angels are mostly gone and sooner you will have to face, once again, a foreign world, but this one with a new identity and a stronger, more prominent, American confidence. We all dream And my hands go numb in the process, in my specific instance.
