Awful that a party kept me awake the night before such a long and arduous day. The dangers of alcohol. All of them. So tired and wasteful. I sat numb in my chair tasting (soft) xanax under my tongue though it is a prescription and the main ingredient in teeth-whitening gum. Sob stories, predictable. Less strict. Doesn't really matter how I answer the questions. At the end. Either I go out, drink and drive, and kill a lot of people, or I don't. I know I won't. I know I won't let anyone I care about do it either. So hey the system worked. And it's all you. Not just basic human empathy. "Hey see you later man." God I hope not. I had to take a cab to the empty town Tolleson at 7 am. 60 dollar fare one way. 50 the other. 50 miles or so in all. I waited outside sonic. got nothing because I believed I would discover glass in it. cab dispatch says they used to play soccer in the shitty field across van buren. Seems to be nothing out here for miles and miles. What do people do out here without cars? Dispatch thought my name was Mat. Told me about strippers and respect. I listened and laughed a long. I couldn't tip. Flat rate. I paid first. Didn't care. Thought about possibility that I would be robbed and beat after he took my money. Nearly an unmarked taxi. I would have fought back valiant. The printer still out of ink but I let the girl who loves coco dish it out for me and embarrass me. I told little jokes she will never understand. Just like the cab driver. But today. Forgive me for being so terrible at being social. I have been soul-drained and tired. My heart hurts. I am so confused. And I wasted all of my time and energy and money on something extremely unbearable.
I could hear laughing and clinking of glasses from a balcony outside. South of my bedroom. I wanted to shout something. I don't remember waking up an alarm. I just disappeared out that kid's life. He gave up two cigs. I sat and looked angrily at the ground. I am alone in this, more and more I realize.
****
Seems like a big joke. Everyone is in on it. Everyone acts like the epitome of the person I hate. They combine every awful personality trait and subject of conversation. Stir them around. Remove excitement and add a striving toward normalcy. Add beauty but not brains. Superficial. Inflated views of self-worth.
* * * *
Now the crushed and deformed skulls of the human fossil record look like drunk driving accidents.
