"For Beauty is nothing
but the beginning of terror, which we are still just able to endure,
and we are so awed by it because it serenely disdains
to annihilate us." Rilke Duino Elegies
Beauty
in this sense refers to powerful art or music. This is the feeling,
provoked by a overwhelming sense of powerlessness in the face of
aesthetic perfection. For example... the feeling in your heart after
witnessing a live orchestra that transports your soul away to somewhere
higher than you were beforehand. The feeling lasts in its extreme only
awhile but it can carry on inside your heart for days... years... Carry
that beautiful experience with you. It's a good book. An awesome
concert. All of the quintessential brush strokes that make up an
intricate, yet huge, abstract painting.
-----
Where does the time go? All of everything in between is weird repetition and practice. I inhaled chemicals until my head ached. Did the time get to my head? Suddenly I imagine myself longboarding down the main strip at ASU campus. On a beautiful day. Sun dresses all over. Brain full of incredible knowledge and commitment. Will time make me forget? The math equations, surely. Does past exercise even count at all if cut off? I'd have to learn again. But it would be easier this time. I could live in a desert again because I have experience. I could use this to my advantage and truly never feel any anxiety. I would jump into the pool continually. I would weave my way throughout intricate stories and live smiling.
There was a overly ambitious art project and hours of experimentation. Hundreds of photos to work with later. Over 200 words in the song. Each word is a few pictures worth. Background images growing and growling to come up to the surface. I follow instructions. Stretch out the mind and the legs and the back.
Using intuition. Isolate the self entirely. Come out strong and swinging heavy. When the time is right. But it is not about keeping bad relationships together. It is not about intimidation. It is about courage and the willpower to call an old friend to say hello in the midst of a empty time slot. Not just weed and tears. No long, wasteful showers and nights spent sleeping with the A/C on full blast and with 9 blankets. A wasteful creature. Tasteless. Senseless.
But no one calls. No one plans the rides or the trips. Everyone talks up their abilities to pull through. A 5 hour drive. A show somewhere over there. Fuel me up.
---
restless legs. I want to grow up in every city in the nation. I want to travel through every place, soaking it all in with incredible intent and all the patience and beauty in the world. I have ridiculous itchy feet. I want to run across the country and back. see what they see. fill my cup with hands on experience. visit every major city in the world and fall in line with a new culture. fuck!
