Apply the college-ruled mindset to all outside application. Give me the opportunity to shine and I will try my damnedest to become a diamond. A strobe light. A reflective surface that has the power to blind until further notice.
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Dizzy in an unforgiving heat
a man hit by a car in the street
blood and radiator fluid
feeling stupid and pulled apart by horses.
feeling myself disintegrate.
I told them I'd be writing. But I'm falling short of my goal. I'll find it again when it's no longer forced...
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There is the day drunk who tries to land an ice cube down the front of a girl's shirt. She'd call herself a woman indignantly. Am I misreading everything? Who knows. Sometimes words come out of my mouth that were not thought out ahead of time. This is good and bad. I struggle with the ability to say whatever possible, whenever... versus holding out for good taste. Holding out for good taste implies missed opportunities with the blurt-it-out-as-it-happens technique. Good taste means a sincere and honest as well as humorous approach to the situation. Is there the comedian with dark sensibilities? Yes. A rarity. The ability to speak in good taste with an open mind in all situations.
Keep your hands by your side. Watch television shows. Create nothing new. Add nothing to the world only detract from your own life. Fall in line with diverse crowds of nonchalant party-goers. "I have no plans, let's do something." Or did I make it sound like I didn't want plans? "Alcohol is a waste of money, truly." There are contradictions in everything.
Ice melting on hot skin. Something athletic and worth a heart felt curse or two. Fucking shit. The world is possible. Why not let it take over completely? There is nothing more cowardly than to give up in the face of ultimate victory. I am not one to take the blame. Rocking body in a solid frame. Something unconventional. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Or am I too jaded by humanity? No. I'm in a great circle. I need to realize this forever. Days away without much discussion. Forget all the drained energy. Conveniently located on the same night. Reminisce past experiences on the day. Thrice and Tech N9ne. Always music. Prior to that California and The Flaming Lips. For 18. 17 and 16 blur together in family activities and then headlong into friendly activities. All I have now are friends who wish to get me drunk. Sounds like a solid plan. Or do I think too much. Feel all the paranoia in the world. Be the asshole they warned you about. $12 vomit. I'll have an interesting story to tell. Whatever happens. Staying out the night of the show. The day of my birth itself. I have no idea. Probably an awful hang over. Through the birthday wishes. Try to take something to combat that prior to drinking. NO HO. It's antidote. Alcohol being poison. Wondering aloud if there is anyone else to meet or if it is all involved in stupid flattery. No one will care much.
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Guilty of wasted time. Overheated and under fed. Am I creating beautiful art? did I create any? having consumed energy drink or alcohol. one really just to keep from sleeping earlier. now trouble sleeping. it's fucking hot. and I'm anxious. there is something awful and narcotic about all of it. a personal stash. stay drunk all the time. we are all destroying each other and the mood shifts. incredible incident. speaking highly of the others. the political debates. they both call each other close minded and insolent. everyone is though. it is not black and white. it is every imaginable prism of light. a bike ride and a hostile take over. all of the everything erased. backed into my car. pull out method. all the stupid jokes that do nobody any good. speak less. I was feeling horrible earlier. caught up in the rich area. all the monuments to their wealth. all of the laughing and meaningless conversation. it set me up to be awful for the night. I did alright though. speaking in tongues figuratively. writing furtively. help me out. hand me something that I can use. birthday packages to my right. all the prestige and humor involved. open it? no. wait. funny. honest. self-control in some aspects is incredible! but hey. productivity. I can't seem to switch off. the weed infused self-defeat. no reason other than to make the ride more enjoyable. isn't it great already? addicts. fiends. ghosts and vodka. I am glad I could not share their mindset. I will be aware of this constantly. talk of the same things constantly. always try to impress the other. be happy and incredible. no more senseless brooding. sound sometimes like a cranky old man.
