oct 5th

door slamming anger and sudden connecting of dots, whispered dreams in between awakenings, we are all at fault though if a scapegoat is necessary I'll take the blame. It's probably entirely my fault anyway. Laughter. Negligent without recognizing it. Have I been a huge asshole this whole time? I don't think so. I'm honest. I tell it like it should be when I can. Frost on the windshield. Count your considerable losses and rewrite crazy psychotic symphonies. "No secret songs." But I need to with this one because I want every single word to count. As they mean so much to me. I spent so much energy in them and have so much faith I could not allow to see a single one disappear. But I have some scattered parts and melodies and it will come together like glue when I have a proper voice. Warmed up like a well oiled machine, the missing ingredient of honey in the tea and the voice box tightens, constriction like a boa that crushes its victims in a powerful clutch, the birthday cake fiasco on the summer dress, the friends on the breezeway, all of the others I call bullshit towards. There was never any negative energy to be had from that. I have a lot of friends though they simply aren't around and I have difficulty serving up conversations with them through technological sources because I always attempt to remain entirely in the present. as often as possible. I probably could take advantage of my technological freedom to communicate with anyone I please. random outcries and grasps toward those few people I can call consistent. They are there. Always. I simply have a hard time calling and updating. I live too deeply in the moment. In my own selfishness. I rarely hear myself saying awful, unforgiving and negative things. For no reason. I'm just kidding around. But the amount of it is too much. Everyone hates the jester, the joker after awhile. But I'm not always like that, believe me. Trust in me and you will be told of all our worries in time. In due time.