incense smoke in my eyes, a cross breeze from the finally cool California air, asking advice for how to warm up to the new cold, and asking how something would work out. I say, "It should work like that but we won't know until we try." And that becomes and attitude. Overs firm believers of multiple personalities and persona to enter when in the right crowd, a crowd of actors ideally. Wishing to succeed in the amassed sarcastic daze. Learn to keep the mouth shut regardless of all the wastefulness. Playing dress up and never becoming sweaty. Lose masculinity to appease some golden rule of thumb. The attitude of looking at a girl and feeling guilty for thinking anything sexual about. This is in direct conflict of human nature. It's a train of thought I'd rather never entertain. All high strung and tightly wound. Different attitudes I find so clashing. I try to tolerate but I know one day I will be permanently affected. Something coursing strong and steady through the blood. A crazy new experience and all of the valiant weed scientists become new and sturdy. The paranoiac feeling where I feel I must constantly correct myself for validity... Or constantly feel the need to clarify a thought or to be able to think over what's been said and to return to the subject later. I wish to never let any bullshit build up for the unsaid. Rather say too much but I know nothing of tastefulness. I gauge reactions but then end up outside again feeling the opportunity to be ignored wholeheartedly once more. I feel I need to clarify. I meant to say that your golden shining moments always seem to happen when no one else is around to see. To witness. To experience. It was a joke and I'm sorry. It was in jest. The best things always tend to happen somewhere by accident and then you try to relive and it is never quite the same again. Communication falls flat. "He needs to read something else other than the bible!" I feel my face hot and then suddenly sullen, stupid. Gossip about this but no one enjoys to talk crap. I hurt inside from the actions I take automatically so therefore I think in order to change this but constantly am interrupted by that crucial life or death train of thought. God damn I fucked this up! but now I'm fucking it up more by thinking too hard about what I said! If I said anything bad bring it the fuck up to me. I feel something astir but it is also probably my paranoia.
the world is a business. rise or die
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The inability to act in the face of immediate action. There is a world of people better than me out there. "this has more potential than that." Why? because of money probably. corrupting influence. recording albums weighing the pro's and cons of a scream versus a voice. drinking beer in bed and sudden exhaustion, a huge god damn sandwich, hire a ton of people and cut the hours down for nearly everyone involved, full-time musician, through some strange miracle... how to get the work necessary down?
practice. practice. practice.
write accurate, grammatical sentences. exercise the brain and body at once. feeling like there is someone somewhere better at what I am doing that I am. How can I carve anything? I had memories attack me last night. They will tonight again. Scar tissue and heartwarming hold-holding subway-riding. In love in a city of angels. Everything incredibly accessible and suddenly working towards a collaborative good-time goal. Will I manage to pull through? I was just playing this cool riff and then I tried to count it out and everything fell apart. In different time signatures and radio-friendly songs with little or no meaning behind them (for me). I wish you shared the same love and enjoyment of our language as I do. The extra sauce on the lyrical content. Really go deep and thoughtful. Whatever improvised becomes genius. musical and effective. efficient and crazy lyrical.
let me write! I love to, mostly. I have experience. I'll work with you if you work with me.
